The Origin of Patriarchy and the Restoration of Balance

Your Funeral Director

So I saw this again on Facebook yesterday. When I first saw this, I felt all defensive, like, “How dare he think he’s the ruler of the roost?! And You GO WOMAN! Damn Right, Funeral Director! I don’t even think so…” And then several months went by and now I’m all, “WTF? This man is completely infantile!”

It was at that point that I was completely flooded with ideas and threads of thoughts, epiphanies and inspirations, all of which culminate in my wondering what IS this thing where men, men’s rights activists, and patriarchy in general demand that everybody pander to their male every things like they’re helpless infants?

Ok, so this is a really tangled knot here. Let’s do some unwinding, shall we? WE SHALL.  Continue reading

Love vs Trust

Firstly, a comment: y’know that feeling when you’re writing a thing with other people in mind and then, a couple of days after posting it, you realize you unknowingly wrote it for you? Yeah. That. So I’ve been mulling some things over.

Also! Yay! I picked up Barbara Fredrickson’s Love 2.0 from the library today.

I. Am. Riveted.

I’m so excited about it! I want everyone everyone everyone all over the world to read it! Yay! Yaaaaaaay!

So the first chapter led me to have the following conversation with myself:

Me: If you love someone, there’s an innate trust. If you love someone, you trust them. Right?
Me: What? NO! Let’s back this up. You have kids, right? Do you trust them? Do you trust a tiny baby?
Me: Trust them to do what?!
Me: Exactly. What about if your mother is senile or you have a kindly but only quasi-functional alcoholic father? Do you trust them?
Me: No. Ok, it depends. But generally, no.
Me: Can you still love them?
Me: Of course!

[time passes]

Me: What about the other way around? Do you automatically love someone if you trust them?
Me: No, not necessarily.
Me: *eyes narrow* Oh, really?
Me: Ok, alright. I’m still working this out.

And I am. There’s a lot to unpack about our societal expectations surrounding the interplay of love and all those other emotions that get folded in.

What is trust? Trust is expectation. Or, rather, the anticipation of your expectation(s) being met. I trust that the sun will rise tomorrow. I trust that that red light will change to green. I trust that my mail will get delivered each weekday. Is there love inherent in these things? I can definitely say that I love that the sun comes up each morning, that I love all the sun does for life here on Earth. I love that we have ways of mitigating traffic confusion and that traffic lights exist and, generally speaking, function pretty reliably. I love, on a poetic level, that stop is only temporary, that go is only temporary, that there are periods of rest and periods of activity and forward momentum and plenty of caution, yielding, and slowing down in the process. I love that there is communication between people, even if it’s a bill for services rendered. I love that there are people who assist in delivering these communications from one place to another. I consider them part of my tribe. They are messengers; my name means messenger, and I identify very strongly with my name.

So there is definitely love intertwined within that trust, but is there a direct correlation?

What happens when trust is broken in a relationship? Does that completely destroy it? It really depends on the people involved, the severity, and the habituation of the infraction. It can destroy a relationship but it doesn’t have to. There have been several articles written about this very thing. This one is about infidelity, which is typically considered the biggest breach of trust in a romantic relationship. When trust is broken in any relationship, the only way to bring it back is through introspection and honest communication.

I want to return to whether there is a direct correlation trust and love, whether trust begets love or whether we can’t trust without love, and whether we’re talking about our standard socio-cultural definition or whether we’re talking about the upgraded Love 2.0 version. That’s another post for another day, though. Consider this a stub. 😉

Check Your Assumptions

Check Your Assumptions by Jon Udell

I love analogies that fit really well. In this beautifully concise article, Jon Udell uses computer programming debugging methodology to help us understand how we can communicate better with each other by reframing our approach to the assumptions we make about the people and situations in our life. We could use this for all the assumptions we make about ourselves, too.

In this context, ‘check’ means ‘test’. Test your assumptions. And it’s really imperative that we do this, if we want to gain adequate and appropriate understanding within a given dialogue.

This also really fits in well with Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and with Rebecca Shafir’s Zen of Listening, the latter of which I’m reading and am thoroughly enjoying. The subtitle is Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction, so it’s perfectly au courant.