Lessons in the Dreaming.

I woke from a dream this morning in which I was trying to help a friend escape from her abusive step-father. We had never talked about her situation before but somehow I knew. I leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, “You’re not safe here.” We then had a covert conversation about how my and N’s intervention would create such terrible backlash for her and her toddler half-brother that she just couldn’t see a way through it and she didn’t want to leave her home because she loved it so much there (the area was forested mountains of the Northeast).

It was heartbreaking. I woke up before the situation had resolved itself. The tension of the dream was palpable because the abuser was there nearly all the time.

***

On reflection, I think what happened here in this dream is a situation where, because we hadn’t discussed this at all prior to this conversation, the friend wasn’t able to sit with the idea of escape and figure things out on her own. This dream is about rescuing versus agency and autonomy. 

You cannot rescue people without co-opting their agency and their autonomy. She needed to retain her autonomy. Were this to happen in waking life, I wouldn’t be able to force her to do anything because that’s tantamount to becoming an abuser myself. I would have to let the situation go and make it absolutely clear that if/when she decides to leave, I and mine would be there for her in an instant.

This is what friendship is. It is supporting another’s decision and another’s timing. It is recognizing and acknowledging that she has agency in her life and supporting that respectfully. 

Life is so fucking hard sometimes.

Hiatus. Because Winter.

frozen buds © Angela Warner

Frozen Buds © Angela Warner

It would appear that I took an unforeseen hiatus from writing anything of substance. Winter is always hard for me. It’s not just Seasonal Affective Disorder. I turn inward during winter, am beset with introspection and analysis. Things always come up for me. I am in my head and in my feels, processing what I’ve been through in the previous months. Winter is always hard.

Last winter, I used my introspection to write a chapbook of poetry. This winter, I learned more about healing than ever I have in my life. And the grand majority of that tutelage took place on the inside. Because of the severity of the coldness this season, I became and still am a shut-in. Contending with depression, which naturally led to self-imposed imprisonment and, thus, social avoidance, I turned inward.

I am slowly peeking my head out from the snow drifts. The sun is gradually returning. My inspiration to write is beginning to flow once more from its wintry ebb.

To get things moving again, I started a tumblr version of this blog a few weeks ago. Short bits of insight and commentary along with things I would normally want to post here on this blog, in the format of what usually gets passed around on tumblr.

When I have longer articles, I’ll post them both here and there, but I’ll probably be over there mostly because it’s far easier to make quick posts over there. Go have a look! Noetic Nuance