Taking Up Space, Taking Up Time

There is so much I want to say here but I’m not sure it will all come out or come out right. Lily Myers speaks out on how women learn not to take up space. I know this game. I’ve played it many many times. I’ve identified it and have actively fought it. I take up space on transit. When men with scrotal elephantiasis choose to sit next to me, I do not shrink.

My problem, though, is taking up people’s time. I learned early on, whether accurately or not, that I was a burden, and so I worked hard at being as independent as I could possibly be, to do it all on my own. I have learned not to ask for help and I am in the process of relearning to ask for help. I am still learning to use my voice. I still wait until things are dire. Eventually, I’ll learn to ask for help before that point. It’s hard, though. Really hard. I vacillate between feeling completely useless, relying too heavily on my partner, and feeling completely alone, knowing there is no one to catch me but hoping to be caught anyway. Hope can be such a dangerous and blessed thing.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. It is my birthday. It is the first anniversary of a really really challenging and terrible time in my life. And while I was not suicidal last year and never truly have been, I have danced with ideation many many many times.

Words of Wisdom via duskbird on tumblr:
it’s scary how many people think they want to die when really they want to start living 





The following post is from a woman who tried to kill herself and then saved herself in the process: Struggling, Not Manipulative (In Honor of World Suicide Prevention Day)

I am not a burden and neither are you. We all need each other. I long for the day I’ll believe that very first part at the heart-level. I long for the day when I feel I truly deserve assistance.
World Suicide Prevention Day



Much love to you, my brothers and sisters. Our minds are our own worst enemies and our own best friends. Keep up the good fight because you are needed here. And when it is time, the sun will shine again. xo