An Annoying Epiphany

Skimming through Caroline Myss’s Sacred Contracts, I came across this underlined statement: “…choice is your greatest power. It is an even greater power than love, because you must first choose to be a loving person.” p. 17

The night before my recent birthday, I had planned on going out to an event. It had been in my calendar for weeks and I was very much looking forward to it. It was to be an early birthday present to myself. However, by the time I needed to really start getting ready to leave for this event, I had concluded that the series of unfortunate events and miscommunications of that day and the day before had robbed me of any ability to do anything other than lie down and cry myself to sleep. I was completely devastated at missing out on seeing friends and participating in something that I knew would have fed my starving soul. I napped for two hours and came up to have some dinner. I spoke with my partner and discussed what had transpired from my perspective. He gave me his perspective. While I was no longer faulting him, I was still deeply angry that it all happened the way it did, causing me to miss out on something so important to me.

When I awoke the next morning, my birthday, I was still in that state of anger. By this point, I was deliberately using my mood to cast a shadow over everyone who came near me, and I project my emotional state with sublime expertise. I have no poker face. After awhile, I started asking myself if I really wanted to stay angry on my birthday. That would be a lousy birthday present to myself, and that’s when things started to crumble. I thought to myself: Continue reading

School started and life exploded

This is merely an explanation for the absence of posts/infrequency of posts — I’ve been very preoccupied with getting my elder son’s school situation sorted out, and while I’ve got posts waiting in the wings to be edited (like, several, plus several more posts that omgreallywanttobewritten), time and energy to devote to such things have been hard to come by of late.

I haven’t forgotten you, blog!

I haven’t abandoned you!

I’m workin’ on it. And on life.

It’ll all happen when it needs to happen, which isn’t necessarily when I want for it to happen, mais c’est la vie. Ca y est. Je reviendrai quand je peux. In the meantime, I’m taking notes and making quick outlines for other posts that want writing so that they’ll stop driving me crazy playing on tape loop in my head.

Be on the lookout for upcoming posts on annoying epiphanies, the rescuer complex, and men and their emotions. Wheee!

Bonne journée!

Taking Up Space, Taking Up Time

There is so much I want to say here but I’m not sure it will all come out or come out right. Lily Myers speaks out on how women learn not to take up space. I know this game. I’ve played it many many times. I’ve identified it and have actively fought it. I take up space on transit. When men with scrotal elephantiasis choose to sit next to me, I do not shrink.

My problem, though, is taking up people’s time. I learned early on, whether accurately or not, that I was a burden, and so I worked hard at being as independent as I could possibly be, to do it all on my own. I have learned not to ask for help and I am in the process of relearning to ask for help. I am still learning to use my voice. I still wait until things are dire. Eventually, I’ll learn to ask for help before that point. It’s hard, though. Really hard. I vacillate between feeling completely useless, relying too heavily on my partner, and feeling completely alone, knowing there is no one to catch me but hoping to be caught anyway. Hope can be such a dangerous and blessed thing.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. It is my birthday. It is the first anniversary of a really really challenging and terrible time in my life. And while I was not suicidal last year and never truly have been, I have danced with ideation many many many times.

Words of Wisdom via duskbird on tumblr:
it’s scary how many people think they want to die when really they want to start living 





The following post is from a woman who tried to kill herself and then saved herself in the process: Struggling, Not Manipulative (In Honor of World Suicide Prevention Day)

I am not a burden and neither are you. We all need each other. I long for the day I’ll believe that very first part at the heart-level. I long for the day when I feel I truly deserve assistance.
World Suicide Prevention Day



Much love to you, my brothers and sisters. Our minds are our own worst enemies and our own best friends. Keep up the good fight because you are needed here. And when it is time, the sun will shine again. xo

A Taste of Stewardship

How insects are helping me find my place in this world.

I am a Caretaker by nature and so, while growing up, being fed the line in the Bible about having Dominion over the land further cemented for me that Christianity, as interpreted by those supposedly in charge, was not my path. I saw early on, even if I wasn’t able to fully articulate it or act on it, that we are woven into the land and into the greater web of life. We’re not the top of the food chain. Nothing is. If garlic and oregano have anti-viral capacities, then viruses aren’t at the top, either. Yet millions of us are laid waste each year by viruses, some preventable, some not. Bacteria aren’t either, despite their best efforts at mutating into superbugs that are antibiotic resistant. Even cancer can be beaten.

In my years of seeking, I came across the notion of ahimsa: nonviolence. I work continually to make peace with the fact that it is impossible for us humans not to kill in order to survive in this world we live in. How many snakes, mice, voles, rats, rabbits, insects are decimated each time a combine rolls through a field to harvest our grain? How many slugs are destroyed by organic farmers while growing our baby mixed greens? How much trauma does a calf and its mother endure when they are separated from each other so that humans can have the cow’s milk? They grieve and cry for each other for days [1]. Even plants react to being wounded [2].

We have to understand we are not the only beings on this planet with personalities and minds.  –Jane Goodall

Believe it or not, one of the things that I have done that has served me very very well is to make peace with the insect and arachnid world. I have recultivated the sort of curiosity I had as a child and used that curiosity to learn more about whatever insect/spider is bothering me before I decide what to do with it. If information is not available, I trust my gut. Continue reading